Part 30: Radio 3: Special Talk Show

Part 3: Special Talk Show





Good evening, folks. I am the grand artist, who has offered his life, his very soul, up to the imagination, Nishikikouji Tohri. Welcome to our special time, which you shall spend with me!
I don’t imagine there are many listeners who don’t already know it by heart, but allow me to give a brief introduction of my glorious, exemplary career so far.
Once I was the ace of the Second Optical Ordinance Division of the Hawk Party research organization, and now I am a manager at the Crow Party, and also chief editor of the popular Golden Weekly magazine!
I doubt anyone in the world is as busy as I am. You are all incredibly grateful that I am taking this time out of my schedule to conduct a question and answer session, of course!

The music stops.



Bah, it won’t open no matter how much we push or pull… It must be locked from the inside.
What do we do? At this rate an entire chapter of the radio program is going to be overrun with some unfortunate golden pheasant disaster!
You in there! Open up, this instant! You were bad enough in the Legumentine’s short--are you planning to ruin this, too!?
Do you think an outside like you will go unpunished for this!? We won’t stop at charges of trespassing, you hooligan!





Now, then! Let us begin my artistic question and answer session.
The first one is from a young lad by the name of “Hatomi is Mai Waifu”.


The music stops.

……
Hey! What!? What is this!?


Do you realize how long Mr. Takakishi Pou labored in obscurity, even after he made his debut in high school!?
Living the ignominious life of a non-serialized author… Even when he could get serialized positions, he was never popular in questionnaires, so he’d always be dropped! You cannot possibly comprehend how he suffered.

Do you have any idea how much sweat, and how many tears, and how much of his own lifeblood he has poured into “Golden☆Dove”!? You don’t, do you!? You know nothing of the joy of a long-running series, you disgusting philistine!
So don’t just go talking about discontinuing it! Geez!
Aah… Well, then. Next one.

The music stops.



On the contrary, he seems to be ignoring us entirely. I can’t believe a disgrace like this is allowed on campus! It is most vexing.
You two having trouble?



Yuuya!
No one asked for you to show up!
…Wait, what are you carrying?
I’ve got permission to force my way in. Gotta protect the peace and tranquility of the campus, after all.
I’m going to break this door down whether it’s locked or not. Get back a little.




Then don’t buy it! Why would we want readers as low-minded as you, anyway!?
Don’t you think something is wrong with this trend among publishers of trying to out-compete each other through bonus items!? A magazine should be judged by what’s inside! That is where the competition lies!
Do not be fooled by those frivolities. The real artistry lies sparkling withi--

A gunshot is heard.



Wh… What is a high school student doing with that thing!?
Didn’t you know, Mister? It’s a must-have item for any fashionable teenage boy!
We have you surrounded! Come quietly, and don’t try anything!
Let’s make this as nice as possible, shall we? I don’t want to have to shoot you. Not very much, anyway.
That rifle… Aah, I see. So you’re with JB…

The sound of glass breaking is heard.
The flapping of wings follows.
The music stops.

Darn it, there goes another window…
If you’re going to go leaping out a window at least open it first!
Anyway, we’ve secured the broadcast room. We’re short on time, so you should probably get started.
Right. Thank you, Yuuya!
But… Where does he keep getting those things…?



The How and Why of St. Pigeonation’s! Here’s the question box!


I’ll be joining in today.
This time we’ve got questions from Westerners! My English isn’t very good, so Sakuya will be helping out.
Already in high school and you still can’t use English? Your future is bleak indeed.
I’m not planning to go overseas, so it won’t be that bad… I hope…
All right, first question! From one “ssfsx17”.
…That… sounds more like a password than a handle…


“What is Hiyoko’s favorite weapon – the bow, the sword, or the spear?” Can you answer that, Kawara?
Hiyoko’s favorite weapon…? Well, a few years ago she really liked the Bamboo Pole, but I think lately she’s been using the Copper Sword more.
A copper sword for hunting? Wouldn’t it be a bit dull for that?
It doesn’t cut very well, but she said it doesn’t matter because she just bludgeons everything to death anyway.
All right, let’s keep going. We are a little short on time, thanks to a certain someone! This is for you, Sakuya.


Never!
Hey, translate it into English first! Or Japanese, I guess, since this is the English release. I don’t actually need you here at all, but if we started cutting whole characters out of scenes just because language barrier jokes don’t really work then things would get pretty confusing pretty quickly, right?
“Sakuya, please let me touch your feathers. I want to touch your feathers.” Why should I let myself be touched by common riffraff!?
That’s too bad, rabbitdoubt. Maybe he’ll let you touch them if you become nobility.
This one’s anonymous.


“What are your thoughts on Brian Pigeon? Do you consider his blog to be quality literature?”
On second thought, maybe it would be okay if you didn’t bother repeating everything, after all.
Look here, peasant! I’ve got one job on this lousy show. It’s stupid, but I’m going to do it! Is that clear?
Okay, okay…! Anyway, Brian… Wait, who?
Don’t you even know that, you ignoramus!? He is a great pigeon from the great land of Great Britain, and the very first intelligent columbid! Go Google “Brian Pigeon”, for the good of us all.

Of course it’s in English. He lives in London.
His posts may even count as fine literature--at the very least, they’re culturally quite valuable. They will definitely leave a mark on avian history to come.
Wow, he must be really important. I’ll have to work hard on my English, so I can read his blog!
Here’s the last one… It’s anonymous, too. It’s for San.




Don’t act so proud, neophyte!
Well, I guess that’s about it for today.
Indeed, we shall have to cut this session short. It’s almost time for the school to close. Let us make a smooth exit.


Broadcast End